


Tres Horny Boys Get Schooled

by elderscrolls



Category: the adventure zone
Genre: AU, College AU, F/F, M/M, Multi, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, ill think of more tags later, only marked teen for language, some homophobia / lesbophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-13 20:44:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10521501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elderscrolls/pseuds/elderscrolls
Summary: The boys get into shenanigans and have a good time free of pain and suffering.--sort of on hiatus currently





	1. Tres Artistic Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys commit vandalism ft lesbians and an unwilling passenger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huuge thanks to my pal bandit (@abilitycheck on tumblr) for helping me flesh out ideas and just generally encouraging me ! this is technically the first of what ig is gonna be a collection of one-shots, the chronology of which is gonna be rly confusing and i apologize in advance

“My guys. My dudes.” Taako had been repeating the same phrase for a while now, although neither Magnus or Merle had been listening. The trio was sprawled out in the waning sunlight that dappled their campus’s courtyard. All of them had finished their classes for the day, and although Merle was diligently studying, the other two did nothing more than twiddle than their thumbs. Magnus had apparently fallen asleep at some point, as evident from the loud snores that erupted from him. Although he hadn’t managed to elicit a response, Taako continued, attempting to shake Magnus awake as he spoke. “We should do something, like, totally rebellious.” 

At this, Magnus let out a dazed “whaat?”, propping himself up on one elbow and stretching out. His brown skin almost appeared to glow in the sun.

“Like. We should. Um.” Taako, gaining an idea, pounded his fist into his other palm. “We should sneak into that private property area! Where the dick lives! Stick it to him somehow!” His eyes shone with a mischievous light, and he could tell that Magnus and Merle were coming around to the idea.

When night fell, the trio headed out, taking Magnus’s tools - they weren’t quite sure yet what they were going to do, but it was best to be prepared. Besides the handful of drunk students stumbling in, and the few leaving to get drunk, the campus was completely silent. Although spring was starting to creep into their days, the nights reminded frigid, driving the more sensible students inside. 

As they reached Magnus’s car, though - parked along the curb in a crooked manner - a dark-skinned figure was perched on the roof of the bright red Volkswagen Beetle. A Cockney accent greeted them. “And where do you three think you’re going?” He inquired, sliding down in a smooth movement to stand in front of them. He brushed his long black hair out of his face as he spoke, sending a glare at the trio.

“Kravitz! Listen, my dude,” Taako addressed his boyfriend with his usual manner, raising his hands in a defensive gesture and moving slowly towards the car. 

Kravitz interrupted him, stepping forward to grab Taako’s wrists gently - he pretended he didn’t notice the blush creeping onto Taako’s face. “No need to explain yourself, darling. I overheard. And there’s no fucking way you three are pulling off your stupid fucking stunt.”

Glancing back briefly, Taako saw Magnus put his finger to his lips and crouch, moving around the front of the car. Taako gave a nod, his gaze returning to Kravitz. Kravitz’s eyes had started to wander, and he appeared to be attempting to see whatever Taako had been staring at, but Taako leaned forward, pressing his forehead against kravitz’s. “Kravitz, baby, whoever said…” 

He gave a purposeful pause as Magnus and Merle made it to the doors on the side facing the street before saying, “that it was up to you?” Yanking his wrists free, he lunged for the passenger door, yanking it open and folding himself in. He was screaming, “Drive, dude! Drive!” before the door was even shut, a mad cackle escaping his lips as he did so. 

Magnus floored it, glancing back at his passengers to scope out the situation - merle looked strained, most likely from attempting to perform all of this quickly with only the use of one hand, and Taako was flushed with excitement; and, with a start, he noticed the slender figure of Kravitz pushing its way into the car. “Kravitz, what the fu-”

“You three are so dead! So fucking dead!” Kravitz snapped, although his attention was more on yanking the door shut before their speed pulled it off. Magnus was already barreling down the street, paying no heed to the speed limit or signs. “As soon as we get back, I’m taking you to the Director immediately-”

“-and what? You’re an accomplice now, Krav.” Merle chimed in, turning to face him; he had to crane his neck to look Kravitz in the eye, given the astounding height difference, which was evident even sitting down. “Face it, you’re one of us now.” He waggled his fingers, giving Kravitz an unnerving grin.

“Aren’t you supposed to be a man of the cloth?” Kravitz appeared nervous, dropping his accent as he spoke.

“A man of the Pagan cloth. Pan doesn’t give a shit! He hates bigots! He’ll love us for this!” Kravitz didn’t have a response, so he stooped to the lowest jab he could think of.

“You shouldn’t be in here without your car seat.”

“Well, the car seat is in here.” Magnus was snickering, although his eyes were firmly locked on the road; at this point, he had slowed down, squinting through the darkness in an attempt to read the signs.

“Who’s-” Realization dawned on Kravitz’s handsome features, and he dissolved into a fit of laughter, almost finding it too hard to form words through it. “Taako. Oh my God. Don’t tell me.”

Taako had his nose stuck in the air and his arms crossed, though his cheeks were reddening. Notably, the top of his head brushed the roof of the car. “Listen. Merle normally sits here. We were rushed.”

The good mood seemed to be infectious, making it hard for even Kravitz to keep a stern expression; jokes and jabs were even hurled back and forth, over the din of the music Magnus had started playing. It wasn’t hard to recognize - Merle’s voice was clear and distinct, and there weren’t many professional triangle players besides Taako. In the background, Magnus’s riffs could be heard.

Soon enough, they rolled to a stop by the edge of the road, spotting the dirt path that lead down to the private property. “I’m still very firmly against this,” Kravitz clarified as he clambered out of the car, brushing the dog hair off of his dark clothes as he spoke.  
The trio, in response, gave a chorus of “yeah, sure”’s and “but you’re here, aren’t you?”’s. They had already started to stomp up the path, taking out their phones and shining them as flashlights. The woods, already creepy enough even in the daytime, appeared downright eerie in the dim lighting. Kravitz was forced to hurry to keep up, glancing back at the car and saying, “you did lock it, right?”

Magnus let out a condescending laugh as he pulled his car keys back out, clicking them. “Of course I did, Kravitz. What kind of fool do you think I am?”

Before Kravitz could point the obvious out, the triad stopped, leading him to bump into Taako. “Here’s the gate,” Magnus announced, eyeing the ‘Private Property - Do Not Enter’ sign. There was another sign, pinned to the connected fence, that read, ‘Beware of Dog’. “Holy shit guys. Holy shit. Magnus is rushing in!” He had been backpedaling as he spoke, but at that cry, he rushed forward, tossing his toolbox over before jumping and grasping the fence. It shook and rattled menacingly under his weight, but he had scaled it within the blink of an eye and landed upright on the other side.

“Taako’s good out here, y’all,” Taako stated, watching as Merle approached the fence, glancing between his stump of an arm and the task before him with disdain.

“Aw, does someone need upsies?” Magnus teased, effortlessly climbing back over to pick up Merle. With a somewhat awkward approach, during which Merle was none too pleased about, he managed to clamber back over, albeit more carefully.

After setting Merle back down, he turned back to Taako, crossing his arms. “Come on, Taako, this was your idea.” He urged, and after some persuasion, managed to get Taako to move forward hesitantly and grab the fence. Admittedly, the flashily-dressed boy wasn’t too athletic, as anyone who had had gym class with him in high school had known. As he moved upwards, he could feel Magnus grasping at him, helping pull him over. He straddled the fence for a moment, stating, “you’ll catch me, right?” 

“Yeah, man, of cour-” Magnus’s words were cut off as he crumpled to the ground, Taako’s full weight hitting him. Taako himself let out a moan of pain, clutching at his knee - which had collided rather painfully with who-knew-what.

“You three are fucking idiots. You know that, right?” From their position in a pile on the ground, Kravitz could be seen pushing the unlocked gate open, striding past them towards the house in the distance.

“You - how’d you unlock it?” Taako was already on his feet, instantly forgetting his woes; his eyes were filled with admiration.

“It was unlocked to begin with, dumbass.” Kravitz put an arm around Taako as he spoke, giving himself a moment to drink in Taako’s awe. Magnus and Merle followed behind them, though not without their fare share of ‘get a room’ comments.

A clamor of laughter up ahead made them freeze, and just as they were about to flee to find hiding places, Kravitz pointed out in a hushed whisper, “do you hear that?”

Laughter and words they couldn’t make out were coming from somewhere near the house. Ahead of them, as they crept around the corner towards the side of the house, two figures appeared to be spray-painting the wall, gleeful giggles and cries of “shh! shh!” coming from them. One was tall and lanky, the other short and chubby. When they turned to retrieve what appeared to be more cans of paint, it was apparent that they both wore masks - the short one that of a ram, the tall one that of a raven. 

Symbols were starting to appear on the wall - two interlocked ♀ signs. The quartet watched and waited, varying expressions on their faces. When it appeared that the pair had finished, the raven picked up the ram, spinning them in a circle. “For gay love!” Her shout could be heard, with a matching, “for glove!” escaping the ram.

Taako pressed a finger against his lips, creeping forward. When he was close enough, he straightened, crying out, “you’re under arrest, my dudes!” He had been expecting a funny reaction that could be laughed at upon reflection - what he hadn’t been expecting was for the ram to let out a startled shriek, hurling the can of spray paint she held at him.

Taako let out a cry of pain, clutching at his now-throbbing temple. As he did, the raven turned to the ram, letting out a cry of, “holy shit, Hurley! You can’t just-” the almost enchanting voice didn’t appear to have a way to continue, as it fell silent.

Magnus, Kravitz, and Merle had rushed forward by this point, Merle immediately moving towards Taako and gesturing for him to crouch so that he could get a better look at the injury. Kravitz had approached his boyfriend as well, letting out a shout of, “we’re not really police!”

“Oh shit! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I’m so sorry! Is your friend okay?” The ram - now known to be named Hurley - appeared to become somewhat panicked at this revelation, stepping forward. Her hands moved as she spoke, with a frantic sort of energy. “Sloane, what do we do now?”

“I. I don’t know, I-” The raven - Sloane - was cut off by Kravitz.

“What the hell are you two during here?”

Sloane drew herself up, attempting to make herself appear taller. “You know who lives here, right? The rich homophobic douche. So, we’re van-” seemingly realizing that admitting to vandalism wasn’t the best course of action, she changed her tune. “What about you guys, huh? You look suspicious creeping around like you just were, you know.”

A few members of the group shrugged. “We came here to do the same thing, my dudes.” Taako announced. “We were just gonna, like, take apart his car, or something.” He gestured at Magnus, who lifted the now mud-streaked toolbox. 

“I’m not and have never been a part of this-” Kravitz started to say, but Sloane interrupted, her black eyes glittering with mischief behind her mask.

“Hell yeah!” Before any of them could respond, the young woman had already picked up her bag overflowing paint cans and what appeared to be cutout shapes, dropping them beside her as she reached the garage door, lifting up on her toes to peer into the top windows. “Think we can get your tiny old man friend through there?”

Merle started to protest that he wasn’t old, just looked old, but Hurley was already saying, “I think we should find a quieter way in.” She had crouched at the side, examining the bolts that worked the opening mechanism. “I think I can do this. I saw it in a movie once. Oh, and keep an eye out for the dog, will you? Sloane and I managed to chase it off, but I think it’s still out there somewhere.” 

Magnus’s eyes widened, and he looked like he was about to rush off, but Taako and Merle were already grabbing at his clothes in an attempt to hold him back. In reality, their puny combined strength wouldn’t have been enough to stop him, but he got the hint and relaxed, albeit not without pouting. 

There was a clatter as Hurley popped out the bolts, collecting them as they fell to the ground. She straightened, dusting her hands off, before reaching down again to pull up the garage door. It shifted, but only raised a few inches. “Big one.” She gestured in Magnus’s direction.

“Magnus.”

“Yeah. Magnus. Help me, will you?” She had managed to raise it a foot or two by now, but she was clearly straining. Magnus set down his toolbox and strode over, gripping the bottom of the door and beginning to push it up.

Sloane, who had already moved out of the way to avoid hindering the pair, ducked underneath and straightened up once she was inside. “This place is kinda lackluster.” She commented, moving over to examine the parked car.

Hurley, after she and Magnus had given a final shove to lift the door entirely, stepped inside. “Maybe he spent all his money on the actual house?” She suggested, busy investigating the tools hung up on the wall. They were all covered in a thin layer of dust, as though he didn’t use them often. Maybe they were only for show, and he actually hired someone else to do whatever they were for.

Merle and Taako were inside now, and Magnus followed them, picking up his toolbox on the way. He set it down on a workbench close to a door that appeared to lead into the house, popping it open. After glancing at the car, he selected a few of varying sizes, holding them up. “Alright, who wants to help?”

Kravitz, who had been waiting with his arms crossed in the entrance, finally moved forward, joining Sloane, Merle, and Hurley in crowding around Magnus. Taako had wandered over to Sloane’s bag, picking a few paint cans at random. “Mind if I borrow these, my dude?”

“Go nuts.” She waved a dismissive hand, more focused on the wrench she had been handed. She was listening intently as Magnus explained to the group around him how to best utilize the tools. A loud bang! interrupted him as the rod Hurley had taken slammed into the car door, leaving a large dent in the metal.

Hurley gave a sheepish shrug as everyone besides Taako turned towards her. “I was getting impatient. I needed to hit something.”

Her action and words sparked everyone else to act, using their various tools to carefully remove parts from the car - or, in the case of Merle, join Hurley in generally fucking things up. Taako, who had been spray-painting dicks onto the wall, eventually turned and crossed the room, stepping over bits and pieces of the wrecked car to start work on the opposite side. He had been meaning to write ‘dude we fucked up your car’ but had only just finished ‘fuck’ when the door leading into the house burst open.

A middle-aged man in plain blue pajamas stood in the entrance, clutching a baseball bat in his grasp. He had had an angry look on his face, but it turned into shock upon spotting the mess the six young adults had made of his garage. “What… the fuck?”

Taako was the first to react, letting out a shout of, “I’m Audi 5000, yo!” before spinning on his heel and taking off, slowing only to grab Kravitz and start to drag him towards the outside. Kravitz caught the hint quickly, uncontrollable laughter escaping him as he ran.

Sloane was next to flee, picking up Hurley - who had frozen in place - and dashing forward, not bothering to go for her bag as she went. At this point, the man had started to advance, gripping it in a way that suggested he didn’t know how to use it but wasn’t afraid to find out how. Magnus, picking up his toolbox, started to dash out, Merle hot on his heels.

The angry man let out a call of, “Fido!” and the click click click of dog nails on hard flooring could be heard as a Bullmastiff barreled forward from somewhere inside of the house, letting out loud barks as it pursued them. It was forced to slow down as it crossed into the garage. It picked its way as carefully but quickly as it could through the scattered car parts, buying the students time as it did. Magnus was clearly hesitant, but he kept running, although he slowed down slightly to keep himself between the dog and his friends.

They crashed wildly through the gate and into the wooded section, too panicked - or gleeful, in some cases - to think of using a light to aid their escape. When the dim red glow of Magnus’s car came into view, Magnus shouted, “catch!” and tossed his keys into the air. By way of some athletic miracle, Sloane caught them, clicking a button that she desperately hoped was the one to unlock the car the moment they were secured. Merle moved forward to round the front of the car and yank the passenger door open. The majority of the others split, attempting to cram themselves into both sides of the back. 

By the time Magnus reached where the trees opened up, he was the only one outside of the car. Although he sped up, the dog was still dangerously close to his heels, and he made a split-second decision, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a baggie of dog treats. He didn’t bother to open it as he hurled it behind him, glancing back to watch Fido. The dog had taken its eyes off of him, turning and scrabbling in the dirt - its build didn’t appear to allow for quick turns like it had attempted - before taking off after the bag.

He didn’t waste his spare seconds, pulling open the car door and slamming on the gas the moment it had been shut again. “You just... have those?” Kravitz asked.

“I really fucking love dogs, man.” Magnus answered. glancing in the mirror to observe his passengers. They were overcrowded - Hurley had ended up on Sloane’s lap in the center - but otherwise joyful. “Where do you two live, by the way? We can drop you off.”

Hurley was about to speak, but Sloane put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a nod before leaning forward. “I have a better idea,” she cupped her hands in a comical way as she whispered to Magnus, a smirk growing on her face.

Magnus didn’t speak for a moment. “Holy shit,” he finally said. “That’s fucking perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please dont criticize this beyond pointing out misspellings / grammar mistakes; im aware this isnt at all realistic ! this is just for fun and im just here to have a good time


	2. Tres Sporty Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good ol' fashioned football game ft. polyamorous lesbians and a deals warlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place after chapter 3, which i have yet to actually write ! all unexplained details will come to light then.
> 
> and apologies for any errors ! im twenty minutes late for bed as im editing this so im sure mistakes will be abundant. also, in case it isnt clear, i dont know shitfuck about football.

Excitement filled the air as the crowds gathered in the football field, nervous buzzing filling the stadium. Angus and Merle had chosen seats down near the front, talking to Magnus, Taako, and Killian. Magnus and Taako stood in their cheerleader uniforms, Magnus shaking his pom-poms emphatically as he spoke. Taako appeared slightly out of his element without his binder on, seeing as his chest was the main source of his dysphoria, but attempting to perform in it would be absolute hell on his ribs. Magnus appeared to be convincing him of this at the time, with the chiming in of Merle and Angus. Killian was securing her helmet and had turned to The Director, reciting back the game plan. Merle occasionally chimed in, not having dropped the habit of pretending to be the coach. With his older appearance, the first time the team met, he had had them fooled for a good fifteen minutes before The Director had arrived.

Garfield - or, Garfield the Deals Warlock, as the campus had come to know him, due to him being the one operating the school store and most of the selling going on at the games - sat on the bench, fidgeting with the t-shirt cannon. He had attempted to convince them to let him be quarterback instead of Killian, and although they had ‘agreed’, Carey had convinced him to sit down while she talked to him, taking one for the team by distracting him.

Near Magnus, Noelle and Davenport were getting their mascot costume together. “Hey, coach, we’re still bowling after this, right?” Magnus asked, lifting Noelle to help the hug-sized girl onto Davenport’s shoulders as he spoke. Once she was secured, she pulled her horse head on, giving him a thumbs-up, and Davenport simply let out a cry of, “Davenport!”

Before The Director could respond, there was the blow of a whistle. She jogged off without answering, signaling the team members to huddle around her. Magnus glanced around at his fellow cheerleaders, stretching a little bit longer just in case. in most cases, the head cheerleader would be the one lifted - however, seeing as he was built heavier than most of them could handle, it had been decided that Taako would be taking on that role. The beanpole was light enough that a stiff wind could knock him over, making him infinitely easier for the group to handle.

As the teams lined up, the mascots started to act. The one for their opponents appeared to be a war elephant - at the very least, the person in the costume had streaked the school colors onto his cheeks in what appeared to be an attempt to mimic war paint. Their own mascot, an upright horse with a lovely skirt stitched on by Taako and The Director, moved forward, the pair inside of it jostling wildly. They appeared to have two different idea about the direction they wanted to go; Noelle, who leaned to the right when Davenport walked left, ended up toppling over, leaving the horse headless. Davenport, who was short enough that his head was concealed by the upper section of his costume, stopped running. Clutching comically at his neck, he let out cries of, “Davenport! Davenport!”

Silence swept the field, all eyes locked on the pale fallen girl. No one moved until Taako shouted, “Our mascot may be falling apart, but we’re not!” and posed in Magnus’s direction.

Magnus took the hint, posing back at Taako. “We’re the Stallions! We’ll make your heart race!”

With a wave of their pom-poms and a joined call of, “gooooo Stallions!” activity resumed, the players lining up for the kickoff. With Davenport’s help, Noelle exited the field, standing off on the sidelines with him. Killian and Carey had shot her concerned glances, but at her cheery thumbs-up, they turned their attention back towards the game.

Despite the rocky start with the mascots, the Stallions did surprisingly well - the visiting team was no match for Carey and Killian’s brute strength. Magnus and Taako cheered their asses off, and although Angus’s main focus was on his 3ds - he had only really come because killian was babysitting him - he did look up to let out appreciative shouts such as, “whoa!” and “you’re doing great, ma’ams!”

Then came halftime, where the teams retired to make way for the band. Taako, fulfilling his secondary role as water boy, passed out bottles to the players. that was when Garfield the Deals Warlock caught his eye - although initially disappointed, Garfield had moved on to blasting cheering students with the t-shirt cannon, as well as offering food and refreshments. Pointing at the cannon, he asked, “do you mind if I borrow that, my dude?”

Garfield appeared to think it over before saying, “for a price, I could give it up. Perhaps a blood sacrifice?”

Taako let out a “hmm,” turning to his bag. Digging out a set of silverware, he held it out. “Will this do?”

Appraising the set for a moment, Garfield accepted it, holding out the cannon rather hesitantly. “But about that blood sacrifice-”

“Not happening, my dude.” Taako snatched the cannon and took off before Garfield could change his mind. He spent the majority of the event blasting people with the cannon, even if they didn’t ask for it. 

Angus looked up from his ds, raising a hand excitedly in the air. “Sir! Can I get a t-shirt?”

“Sure, my dude!” Taako raised the cannon, aiming and firing, but as he did, a shout from Magnus distracted him.

“Taako! We still have the halftime performance to do!”

“Oh, shit! I’ll be right there, my dude!” He turned to address Magnus, his aim shifting as he did, so that the t-shirt ended up hitting Angus square in the face. with how close Taako had been, Angus was knocked back, sliding off of the bleacher. His glasses were misaligned on his face, but he still gave a toothy grin and his thanks, clutching the t-shirt.

“Damn, that must’ve hurt.” Taako mused to himself, but made no effort to check if Angus was okay, turning and jogging back down to the field. He tossed the cannon onto the bench as he did, too rushed to set it down carefully. Not that he would have if he had had time, seeing as he was nothing if not careless and overly dramatic.

After halftime ended, the rest of the game proceeded predictably, with the Stallions the victors by several to none. The home side of the stadium rose in cheers, and although Angus winced and had to cover his ears, he set down his ds to join them. Magnus entrapped Taako and several of those in the immediate vicinity in a large bear hug, before moving on to Noelle and Davenport, and eventually Carey and Killian - as well as any other team members who didn’t resist.

Noelle, after being briefly squeezed to death by Magnus, took her horse head off to approach Carey and Killian. she hugged both of them tightly, kissing both on the cheek. “I’m so proud of you gals!” 

“Did we just get gal pal’d by our own girlfriend?” Carey joked to Killian, but Killian’s response was broken off by a shout.

“Ew! Gross!” A student in the stands shouted, and Killian whirled to face the bleachers, pushing her sleeves up. She spotted him quickly, seeing as the immediate crowd had parted around him, exchanging glances and murmurs between themselves. His hands were still cupped around his mouth, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Although Magnus had started to move towards him, Killian moved faster, stopping a short distance from him. They ended up standing a row below where Angus was. “What was that?” Her voice was low, but calm, only her clenched fist revealing her true emotion.

The guy held his hands up in defense, his expression showing that he clearly hadn’t expected to experience consequences. “Listen, I don’t mind what you…” he appeared to struggle with the wording, “your kind do in private, but in public, dy-”

He hadn’t gotten any farther when Killian’s fist slammed into his windpipe, sending him staggering back and clutching at his throat. Angus reared back in surprise, raising his ds as though to shield it from the fight in the lower row. Merle, who had been hesitantly engaging the young boy, yanked out his phone to film. Killian was already preparing for a second blow, but Magnus and The Director were already catching her hands and holding her back, Carey and Noelle arriving by their sides not long after. Taako let out a disappointed groan, lowering his phone and clicking the stop button on the recorder. “Listen, I know fighting isn’t allowed on campus, but-” he started, at the same time that Merle moaned, “oh, come on-”

“Taako, Merle, please,” The Director sighed, releasing Killian as she spoke. With the pair quieted, she turned back to Killian, saying, “we can deal with… him later. For now, I think you all deserve a victory dinner.”  
“And bowling?” Magnus chimed in hopefully, letting go of Killian as he did. He gave the male from before a stern glare, but seeing as the jerk was already being rushed away by a handful of people, the look was lost.

The Director appeared to be choosing her words carefully. “Not tonight, I’m afraid. The rest of the Bureau wasn’t given ample enough warning, and I’m sure the members who participated in tonight’s game - in however form - will want to rest up. Not everyone has limitless energy like you.”

Magnus appeared to be sulking, but Carey clapped him on the back, making him jolt. “Don’t look so down about it, man! We have the tournament next weekend.” At her cheerful grin, he nodded.

At first, The Director led them to her car, but after a glance at the team and additional group members, she stated, “you know, I heard the Popeye’s in the lot right next to the school is great.” There was an approving cheer, and the group, attempting to spin and shuffle forward with the added difficulty of most everyone having their arm around someone else’s shoulder - the exceptions being Angus, Merle, and Noelle, who were being carried - began their short but hazardous trek to Popeye’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> although the detail about taako being trans was added in a bit last second bc im impatient, it will be explored in future chapters !


	3. Tres Rolling Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get recruited into a bowling league somehow ft. fundraisers and sweet old dogs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay ! im working on both this and another project so;
> 
> as a reminder, this takes place between ch 1 and 2 !

They had passed the fateful night of vandalism in a blur - by the time they sneaked back onto campus, the sun was starting to rise. Surprisingly, Hurley and Sloane went to the same college; the school was just large enough that the group had never met. Even after the girls had taken their masks off, none of the boys recognized them.

After exchanging numbers and forming a groupchat, they had gone their separate ways. Since neither fancied the trip back home, Merle and Taako ended up crashing in Magnus’s dorm, the three boys sleeping in somewhat of a pile on Magnus’s bed due to the lack of space. Lravitz, after promising not to tell anyone of their nighttime shenanigans, had gone back to his own apartment. 

Sometime in the afternoon, Magnus woke with a start. At first he assumed it was the memories that had made him stir - the feeling of a sleeping body pressed against his reminded him too much of Julia - but the glow of his phone quickly alerted him. With Taako and Merle sprawled out on top of him, it was somewhat difficult to reach his phone, but he managed. Shielding his eyes from the glow, he read the messages in the groupchat, although it took a moment for his foggy brain to comprehend it.

**thats so raven:** guys  ****  
**thats so raven:** guys where the fuck r u ****  
**thats so raven:** come outside b4 i kick ur asses **  
** **thats so raven:** some official director chick wants to see me nd hurley abt last night

Magnus recognized the name as Sloane’s. Although he ordinarily set contact names for all of his friends, he had barely managed to add her as a contact before passing out. Now he typed out a message to signal that they were on their way, before setting his phone down and beginning the slow process of waking up his friends and explaining the situation. “Taako, is this your goddamn boyfriend’s fault?” Were the first words out of Merle’s mouth.

“No. No, I…” Taako was patting the sheets around him in an attempt to find his phone, opening his messages with Kravitz once Magnus placed it in his hands. “He promised he wouldn’t.”

Merle still seemed suspicious, but in the rush of Magnus hurrying them out of the door - he himself stumbling blearily along - there wasn’t time to say more. “They’re in the main building. Sloane sent me the room number.” Magnus announced, steering his two friends in that direction. The realization had started to hit all of them that, with their dirt- and who knew what else-streaked clothes, they looked hideous, but there wasn’t time to go back and change.

When they arrived in the office, Hurley and Sloane were already in there, as well as a woman in her mid-fifties. She sat behind the desk - the name plate that sat on it reading ‘The Director’. There was no indication of what she was the director of.

Although the three boys vaguely recognized her - realizing she was also the football coach - none of them had had any personal interactions with her, besides her telling Merle to leave after he had pretended to be the new coach.

“Where’s Kravitz?” Magnus’s voice was somewhat of a hiss.

Taako simply shrugged. “I dunno, my dude. He said he was on his way.”

“I do believe I only asked for Hurley and Sloane. Not you three.” The Director began. “If you could please wait outside-”

Taako had already begun to back out of the room, but Magnus blurted out, “it was all our fault!” When she gave him a startled glance, he continued, “they were trying to stop us.”

“Magnus!” Hurley turned to face The Director. “He’s lying, we-”

The brief cacophony was interrupted by The Director saying, “All of you. Please. I think I know a way we can resolve this.” She faced Taako, Magnus, and Merle. “Killian tells me that you three are good at bowling.”

“I mean, we’ve only played once or twice, but I guess?” Magnus shot a confused glance at Taako and Merle, who were nodding along.

“Yeah! We’re, like, super good.” Merle spoke in his usual ‘no one can tell if i’m being sarcastic or not’ tone. 

“Like, the best around.” Taako agreed.

“Excellent. Then how about this, boys?” The Director clasped her brown hands together. “You join my Bureau of Bowling, and…  _ this _ will all be erased.” She glanced at Hurley and Sloane. “You two are welcome to join as well, if you’d like.”

Scooting her rolling chair back and opening her desk drawer, she produced a small stack of cards. She handed each student one, saying, “This contains directions to our predominant alley. Our next meeting is tomorrow night. You’re excused.”

“Oh, I have a question.” Magnus chimed in.

“Yes?” She seemed somewhat startled.

“How did you know what happened?” 

The Director simply shrugged. “I have eyes everywhere.”

They were exiting the room as Kravitz came rushing through, stopping once they were in sight. “Are you all okay? What happened in there?”

“We got recruited. For bowling, I think.” Taako said, inspecting the card as he spoke. Suddenly, he let out a snicker. “Guys, their name is B.O.B.” He held it out, showing that it clearly read the abbreviation in big, blocky letters. 

Kravitz took the card, examining it. “And you aren’t in trouble anymore?”

“Nope.” The gleam in Taako’s eye was rather worrying. Kravitz could only pray that their joining the team didn’t grant them  _ full _ immunity. “Hey, who was that, anyway?” Taako continued after a brief pause. “Like, what was she the director  _ of _ ?”

Although some could recall that she was the football coach, no one could think of anything past that. 

When the day came, all of them except Kravitz piled into the car, with the excuse that he had to work. Despite the extra space, Hurley still ended up on sloane’s lap, giving the boys the idea that it wasn’t an accidental occurrence. The card had specified a place none of them recognized, called ‘Strikeout on the Rockport Limited’. Magnus had attempted to turn his gps on to find it, but after several minutes of his other passengers constantly mocking its pronunciation, he had given up and turned it off.

The card had said 7 o’clock, and although they had left a good twenty minutes beforehand, They were still lost by 7:45. When Magnus’s phone went off, he pulled over to the curb to answer, snatching it away before Merle could answer it. “Yes?”

Although he hadn’t had a chance to look at the caller id, he knew immediately that it was Killian. “Magnus, where are you guys? We started almost an hour ago!”

Magnus’s brow furrowed. “You’re in the Bureau?” then he remembered. “Oh! The Director did say that you recommended us.”

“Yeah. You guys aren’t skipping out on us, are you?”

Taako had leaned forward, most likely to yell something like ‘pass the weed’, but Magnus waved him off, mouthing, ‘it’s Killian’. “No, no, we’re not. We just got lost.” He continued, tapping his fingers on the wheel as he spoke.

“Put me on speaker. I’ll try to help you guys.” 

A couple minutes after eight, they managed to roll into the bowling alley’s parking lot. A mass of people that appeared to be the Bureau stood outside, with The Director at the head. A few scattered cheers erupted as the group emerged from the car, and both Taako and Sloane jokingly did a few extravagant bows.

The Director gave them the rundown as they entered, and helped them get set up. “We’re going to need a fundraiser soon. With our influx of new members lately, we’ve needed more money for  _ everything _ . Since we are aren’t connected to the school, we don’t get the generous funding they give most sports teams.”

“Leave that to me,” Magnus said. “I’ve done fundraisers for the cheerleaders before.”

“Wonderful,” was all The Director said.

Hurley and Sloane left the area the Bureau commanded, and Hurley could be overheard, saying, “Sloane, could you show me how to do this? I’ve never gone bowling before.” The wink she cast back towards the boys, though, gave the idea that she most definitely knew how to bowl.

Since there was no other team to play against, the group members played against each other, forming mini teams. Magnus, Merle, and Taako managed to decimate most of the teams, but Team Sweet Flips, as Carey, Killian, and Noelle called themselves - as well as Angus, who Killian had brought along since she was babysitting him - beat them fairly easily.

The only person who didn’t play was a pale, lanky blonde who appeared to be intensely studying his laptop screen. At one point, Merle commented, “hey, I didn’t know we were allowed to watch porn here,” which made The Director give him a sharp look.

“Lucas is doing research,” she explained. “He doesn’t actually play, but he’s a trusted friend, and he helps keep everything running smoothly.”

And so the night had progressed, everyone only leaving when the alley closed. Magnus had announced that the fundraiser would be that saturday afternoon, a grin on his face as he did so. He didn’t let slip what he was planning, only answering secretively when asked.

When Saturday rolled around, Magnus had already left early, setting up his operation at Noelle’s house - she was the only one he had confided in, after asking if he could borrow her yard, since she lived in the suburbs. When everyone else arrived, trickling in about half an hour before the start time, they were met with a large mass of dogs. Magnus sat with his arms wrapped around an older one, burying his face in its dark fur. All of them were on leashes, which were clutched by him and Noelle.

“Did you guys see my flyers?” He asked, but continued on before anyone could speak. Most of them had, in fact, seen them - he had plastered them everywhere, advertising a dog wash, but none of them had imagined something like  _ this _ . “Isn’t it great? since I’m in good with the shelter, I got them to let me do this. People can pay to wash these these good boys, or have their own dogs washed. And if they decide they like a dog, they can adopt it!” He rambled on and on excitedly, seemingly not caring if anyone was listening. “Can you guys help fill up the pools, though? I’ve gotta keep a grip on these guys.”

The dogs were remarkably calm the entire time, which Magnus explained as them being older. they hardly put up a fuss, content to lie down and soak up the sunlight. The group found themselves busy as people arrived, some to drop off their dogs and come back later and others to help out. They worked harder than anyone had expected, and even Taako put in a fair amount of effort - although, at the same time, he often turned the hose towards anyone in sight and blasted them. Magnus hadn’t warned them that they were going to get wet, so all of them had worn normal clothing. A few of them had even had the misfortune of wearing white.

At one point, Hurley ended up stealing the hose from Taako. Sloane had used the dog shampoo to give herself a beard, and Hurley had giggled and tried to kiss her - resulting in a mouthful of soap. She snatched it from Taako without warning, attempting to wash the taste out of her mouth. When he tried to grab it back, she let out a startled, strangled noise, spraying him with it. He had been quite a sight to begin with, his pink skirt and matching fuzzy sweater dripping wet. He had taken off his excessive amount of jewelry early in to prevent tarnish, but there hadn’t been much he could do for the rest of his outfit. With Hurley’s added spray, he looked half-drowned.

Snatching the hose, this time successfully, he shouted, “Taako used hydro pump! It was super effective!” and blasted her.

The all-out war that ensued somewhat distracted from the main event, but by that time, business had slowed almost to a halt regardless. By the end of it all, not even The Director had avoided getting soaked - in fact, she had even sprayed a few students herself. She was one of the first to leave, collecting the money before taking off. “Thank you, all of you. Especially you, Magnus. This was a huge success. I do wish I could stay to help clean up, but the football team has to meet for practice.” She took with her Carey and Killian, who were talking and gesturing excitedly.

The adoption idea had been quite the success - the only remaining dog was the one Magnus had been cuddling, named Commander Ron. Sensing the coming argument, Taako started, “my dude, listen, dogs aren’t allowed on-” at the same that Magnus suddenly announced, “I’m keeping him,” and kissed Cdr. Ron on the nose.

Initially, there were protests, but Magnus persisted, insisting that Cdr. Ron was a quiet old boy who wouldn’t cause any trouble. In the end, Magnus won, and when they piled back into his car, the free seat was taken by an additional member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact cdr ron is based on a dog i saw in the hospital the other day
> 
> edit: apologies if uve noticed its been a bit since this update ! im currently sick and have a bit of a writing block. the next update is partially done & will be uploaded as soon as possible


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